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Thread: The Joke Thread

  1. #1
    The Main Man Dewayne's Avatar
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    The Joke Thread

    OK well can all use a great laugh when times are good or when times are bad. So let us see what we can do to make each other laugh. Let's try to keep them fairly clean and free of racism. Other than that it fair game.

    Here is one to start if off and of course we all love lawyers....


    Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own
    defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"

    The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what
    will happen if you don't tell the truth?"

    The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win." :mrgreen:

  2. #2

    The Joke Thread

    An old man hadn't been able to hear for years. He finally went to see a doctor, who diagnosed the problem and restored his hearing. A month later the man returned for a follow-up.

    "Your family must be really happy you can hear again," the doctor said.

    "Oh, I haven't told my family yet," the man said. "I just sit around and listen to them talk. So far I've changed my will three times."

  3. #3
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    The Joke Thread

    So this guy was walking down a beach. As he walks along, he sees a bottle with what appears to be a paper inside, and uncorks the bottle. When he turns the bottle to get the paper out, a puff of smoke pops out, and a genie appears.
    The genie says "Hello, I will grant you 3 wishes, but as I am a lawyer's genie, I will give 2 of anything you ask for to all lawyers. What is your first wish?"
    The man thought for a moment, and replied: "I would like $100,000."
    The genie snapped his fingers, and *poof* stacks of money appeared on the ground.
    "What is your second wish?"
    The man thought again, and said: "How about a nice metallic blue Lotus Elise?"
    there was a rumbling, and the waves parted, releasing a brand new Lotus.
    The genie crossed his arms, and asked: "What is your final wish?"
    The man paused for a long time, and then exclaimed: "I have always wanted to donate a kidney!"

  4. #4

    The Joke Thread

    i just made this one up:

    an american comes to asia and kills a dude, he is taken to a chinese court, his lawyer comes and fights for many weeks, when the american finally loses and is announced guilty, the lawyer says "ok, you win, does he go to America to be sentenced? " the chines judge says "of course not, i want him to feel pain"

  5. #5
    Wet Sanded XcaliburFX's Avatar
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    The Joke Thread

    A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, 'I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.' The doctor says, 'I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.' The next week the lady goes back. 'Doctor,' she says, 'I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly.' The doctor says, 'Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing...'

  6. #6

    The Joke Thread

    Me and my wife laughed our @$$'s off. Nice one XcaliburFX.

  7. #7
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    The Joke Thread

    *agrees with nova* (minus the wife)

  8. #8
    Wet Sanded XcaliburFX's Avatar
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    The Joke Thread

    One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

  9. #9
    Master Modder
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    The Joke Thread

    lofl!!! that was a good one XcaliburFX lol

  10. #10
    Wet Sanded XcaliburFX's Avatar
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    The Joke Thread

    Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’

    She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

    She again replied, ‘ Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

    The defense attorney nearly died.

    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

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